Loving Him Was Red
by lostsoul512
Summary: "It didnt matter if I wanted it or not, because sometimes we didnt get to choose." A series of short scenes in which Jack and Ralph continually meet throughout their lives. JackxRalph.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hi! Soo, something has triggered my Lord of the Flies obsession again, producing endless amounts of fanfiction swirling around in my head. This, paired with the new Taylor Swift CD, has given birth to this lil piece. I do not own any characters, nor do I own the title. I do, however, have a very boring Daoism class that gives me plenty of time to write.**

**Very important: I keep getting notices and such on Break Till I Shatter. I was not planning to finish that story, but if anyone would really like it to be concluded, please let me know as soon as possible. Thanks, always. **

_-Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street; faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ended so suddenly- _

I should have known that, eventually, this was going to happen. I couldn't avoid it forever. Me and him, our souls were entwined. He'd been my other half for as long as I could remember, and that was never, never going to change.

I should have known, when he showed up on my doorstep, that something was wrong. It was one of those dark and stormy nights, rain pouring down upon the streets of London. It was late, but of course I was awake. I was always awake.

He showed up in a black pea coat, his hair soaked with water and a slight blush in his cheeks. I should have known, because every time he showed up my entire world fell apart. I should have stayed in my chair, sipping my red wine and listening to the storm, until he finally took the hint and left. But I didn't. Couldn't. Because we were so connected, and no matter how much I hated it, I needed him too.

XXX

After the island, it's safe to say I was never the same. I mean, how could anyone be the same after something like that? The things we saw, the things we _did_… I couldn't even think about it.

And then there was him. Always him, always in my head. Oh, all those sleepless nights when I could hear his voice, see him face. I'd been so close to breaking down from a thousand waking nightmares. No amount of doctor appointments or medication could erase the memories of him, my angel, my demon, my everything.

I tried to move on, I really did. I went back to school. I sang in the choir. Hell, I even dated a few girls. But in the back of my mind, he was always there. Begging to be released.

Never did I think I'd see him again. Never did it cross my mind that he'd find me. I guess what it comes down to is the fact that we were part of the same whole. We couldn't escape each other, even if we tried. Since the very first time we'd met, it had been Jack and Ralph, Ralph and Jack. And it didn't matter if I wanted it or not, because sometimes we didn't get to choose. Sometimes we were stuck with someone, tied to them, and no matter what we did we couldn't change it. Sometimes, I wouldn't have changed it if I could.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Yayy, I already got one review. I didn't expect much excitement about the intro anyway. Anyway, I don't have much cleverness to say here. I own nothing but a deep shipping heart of Jack and Ralph. Also, I realize when I posted this I tagged the characters as Roger and Jack, instead of Ralph and Jack. To that, I say oops, but it DOES say right in the synopsis that it's about Jack and Ralph. Yes, this is my ultimate laziness coming out. **

**Still no word on Break Till I Shatter. Going once… **

_-Loving him is like trying to change your mind when you're already flying through a free fall- _

The first time was the worst. The painful memories all resurfacing in the blink of an eye. I was fifteen, outgrowing the stage of awkward and moving into muscled adolescence. My red hair had faded into a dark auburn. My blue eyes, though always tinged with that reminiscent sorrow, reflected my playfully seductive personality.

"Rachel Locke wants to fuck you," Roger said, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. We were walking towards my townhouse after school, out ties loosened and blazers undone.

I scoffed at my oldest friend. "She does not," I remarked. "Someone would have told me."

Roger furrowed his black brows. For as long as I could remember, he'd been right there at my side, even after everything. "I'm telling you," he replied gruffly. "I overheard her telling Jenny Whitmore. She wants you."

I said nothing then, just kept on walking. It was beautiful spring day, the kind that made me long for summer. "Well," I spoke after a while, "even if she does, I don't want her."

"But she's perfect for you!" Roger argued. "She's beautiful, Jack, and she's a total bitch. I'll bet she could even give you a run for your money."

"Gee, thanks."

We slipped back into silence then. It wasn't long until we reached my house, muttering out goodbyes with little to no emotion. Before I entered, I pulled the mail out from the box. Most were addressed to my father, as per usual.

But there was one envelope bearing my name. Jack Merridew, scrawled across in flowing script. I knit my brows, hurrying inside. It didn't take long to rip it pen, unfold it. My curiosity peaked as my eyes skimmed the letter, and then all at once it collapsed. No, I collapsed, falling to the hardwood floor with a loud thud. Pain spliced through my body, but it hardly compared to the pain wrenching at my heart. With trembling fingers and trembling lips, I read once more.

Jack,

It has been nearly three years since that wasted summer. Strange, isn't it? It seems to me just yesterday we were laughing on the beaches of that godforsaken island. I do hope this isn't too upsetting for you, as that was certainly not my intention. I just wanted you to know that I'm still out here, still alive. and I'm okay, really. I think about you a lot, probably more than I should. I hope you're okay too.

Best wishes,

Ralph

PS, I wasn't going to say this, but it's been nagging at me. I'll be staying in London on April 26th, at the Ritz hotel. Preferably around eight. Just…so you know.

It may have been hours, though it felt more like days, before I moved. Hell, I didn't even know if I was breathing. But I was clinging to that letter for dear life, silently sobbing as tears streamed over my cheeks. I needed to pull myself together. Jack Merridew did not break down like this. But every time I blinked I could see his pale green eyes staring back at me. I could remember it all too well.

Now he was going to be here, so very close to me. And by the sounds of things, he wanted me to meet him. Three years ago, I'd have sworn I'd never want to see him again. But crumpled up on the floor like the world had just collapsed in on me, I just didn't know.

Well, I wasn't going to think about it, not now. Not if I didn't have to. Though I was sure it'd be impossible to push it out of my thoughts. Folding the letter up quickly, I shoved it back into the envelope, wishing I could seal the memories away with it.

XXX

"So let me get this straight," Roger murmured softly. He was leaning over our desk in the library, textbooks pushed aside. "Ralph, _the_ Ralph, wants you to meet him at a hotel on Saturday?"

Glancing up at him, my chin resting on my hands, I nodded.

"Shut up!" He exclaimed, earning us a few glares from surrounding students. I raised a finger quickly to shush him. Roger gave an impish grin. "Are you going?"

I sighed, looking away. "I don't know," I whispered. "I mean, I've spent three years trying to forget him, you know?"

The black haired boy shrugged. "_Trying_," He repeated, for emphasis. "And failing. We all failed, Jack. No one can forget something like that." He paused, then added, "I think you should go."

My brows shot up. "You're supporting this?" How very unlike him. Roger had never been much for anything involving emotions.

"Yes," Roger stated calming. "I think it'll give you closure." I nodded, thinking over his words. I should have known how very wrong he was.

XXX

Saturday evening found me standing in the lobby of the Ritz, wide eyed gaze taking it all in. I was beginning to think I shouldn't have come, if only because of the anxiety creeping in. Hell, he hadn't even told me where to meet him. So I was just awkwardly hovering near the exit doors, just in case I changed my mind.

Probably, it was only a few minutes, but I would learn quickly that when it came to Ralph and I, time ceased to exist. Him and I seemed to belong to our own little world. Just before the clock was about to strike eight, and I was about to hightail it straight back to my townhouse, this beautiful blonde boy came strolling into the open space.

I couldn't stop myself from openly staring at him, the casual confidence with which he carried himself. From across the room his eyes found their way to me, and I swear his entire face lit up like I'd never seen.

He hurried over to me, and before I was quite sure what was happening he was wrapping me up in his arms. "Jack!" He cried; I had no choice but to tense up against him. Because the last time I'd seen him, I'd been trying to kill him, and he'd been screaming and begging, and now he was embracing me like a dear old friend.

Ralph must have realized my strain against him. With a slight blush he took a step back, his green eyes scanning over my body. "Hi," he said, a little breathlessly. "God, I cant believe you came."

_Me either_, I wanted to say, but I was trapped under his bright eyed gaze. "Yeah," I replied lamely. We stood by in an uncomfortable quiet. Inside, I was feeling this intense anger towards him. For bringing me here, for making me remember all the things I'd tried to forget. "I wasn't going to. But Roger convinced me."

Something like fear flashed in his eyes. "Still have your loyal sidekick?" He asked unsurely, and I could almost picture the way Piggy had gone falling from that cliff.

I chose to ignore him. "Why did you really call me here, Ralph?" I asked abruptly, harshly. Oh, I did so love the way his name tasted on my lips.

The blonde glanced from side to side. "Come with me," he whispered, words meant only for me to hear. When he took me by the hand, I had no choice but to follow.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Well, I ended up restarting Break Till I Shatter, so by all means go forth and read! Reviews are greatly appreciated for all my works. It lets me know which stories to pay attention to. I own nothing, but my house is a nightmare right now so I definitely need the escape into the tangled love life of Jack and Ralph! I love every one of you who takes the time to notice my work. **

**In honor of Halloween, I will be posting a Halloween story soon! **

_-Losing him was blue like I'd never known, missing him was dark grey all alone- _

"So," I said uncertainly. We were alone now, in Ralph's hotel room, the city all lit up outside the window. I was hovering near the door, swallowing hard every few seconds, and the blonde angel was perched on the edge of the bed. Watching me with those soft eyes.

"You seem different," he said quietly, so unexpectedly.

I frowned, looking anywhere but at him. "People change," I replied, harsher than I'd meant to. If I blinked hard enough, I could still see the way he'd looked at me when we'd first crashed on the island, with this sort of admiration. I was everything he was not, and together we completed this perfect whole. But things were different now. I was not quite the same little boy he had known back then.

"What have you been doing these day?" I tried, hoping that some form of small talk might distract us from the tension seeping into the air all around us. Ralph had this look on his face like small talk was the last thing he'd been expecting from me. But if he really thought I was going to spill my heart out and get all emotional with him, then he had another thing coming.

I was seriously starting to regret coming here.

"Nothing, really," he said after a minute. "School, and..therapy. I sort of keep to myself." Almost as an after thought, he added, "You're very lucky to have Roger with you."

"I guess," I answered. This was reaching a point of being unbearable. I took a deep breath, holding it in for a second longer than necessary, taking in all that he was with my big blue eyes. "Why did you want me to meet you here?" I asked at last. It was the one thing that had been consuming my thoughts since I'd first gotten that letter.

Ralph stood, taking a hesitant towards me. "I don't know," he admitted. "Mostly, I think, I just needed to know that you were really okay."

I turned away from him coldly, trying so desperately not to let him inside my head. "Well, I'm fine." The words caught in my throat, making them sound so unconvincing. "Really. Never better."

Ralph reached out to grab my hand, forcing me to face him. The contact of our skin was an electric current rushing through me, one that was impossible to ignore. "You're not fine," he retorted. "I can see the reflection of the island in your eyes." Suddenly the room was so suffocating. I needed out, needed to go as far from him as I could. But his fingers were still holding mine, and as much as I wanted to pull away, there was a part of me that felt safer now than I had in a long, long time.

"I said I'm fine," I repeated, even though the words sounded empty. Roger had said that coming here would give me closure, but so far all it had done was drag up a thousand memories I didn't want to remember. Like the way the sun had felt against my salt stained skin, or how Simon had been crying beneath us when everything had fallen apart. "I shouldn't have come here."

As quickly as the words fell from my lips, I realized just how true they were. I needed to go. Seeing Ralph had dug up a thousand and one emotions in me that I didn't want to be feeling. I ripped my hand away from his, moving towards the door. I didn't look back, didn't even say a word, just pulled the door open and slammed it behind me, vanishing down the hallway.

As soon as I heard the echo of the closed door, I allowed the tears to break free, these horrid gasping sobs that shook my entire frame. I didn't stop moving, couldn't stop, just repeatedly pressed the elevator button until it opened, crying as I hid inside. I'd never have thought it would be so easy to fall apart.

By the time I reached the lobby floor and the doors parted, my eyes were dry and my head held high. Jack Merridew did not fall apart.

XXX

"So what happened?" Roger didn't even bother with hellos. Monday morning, he slid into his seat beside me, watching me intently, waiting for answers.

"I don't want to talk about it," I muttered, trying to seem really interested in my Algebra notes. Roger wasn't buying it. With a frown he ripped my notebook away. "Hey!" I tried to get it back, but he was holding it just out of reach.

"Tell me the truth."

"Okay," I said begrudgingly. "It was terrible. Seeing him was…"

Roger set my notebook back down, resting his chin upon his palm. His grey eyes were so intense, locked with my own. He'd always had this way of knowing more about me than I seemed to know about myself. "You miss him," he said softly. "I can tell you do."

I let out a groan, dropping my head into my hands. I could feel a headache coming on. "It doesn't matter," I mumbled. "I don't want anything else to do with him."

Roger opened his mouth as if he might speak again, but in the end I guess he thought better of it. He just reached out to rest his hand gently on my forearm. Right then, the gesture was all I needed. "Yeah," I finally whispered. "I think I do miss him."

My best friend nodded. "I know. But sometimes missing something is better than actually having it."


End file.
